Zach Reviews Random Things - EPISODE 3: Turduckens, Milk, Captain America

WEB SERIES: Zach Reviews Random Things - EPISODE 2: Bipedal Motion, Keys, Walking on the Beach

SPACE QUEST

In SpaceQuest, a point-and-click adventure classic from Sierra circa the Mid-80s, you play as the semi-inept Sanitation Engineer (i.e. Janitor... i.e. the creepy, slow-minded old guy who used to lurk around your highschool looking at the cute young goth girls just a little bit longer than a grown man should, but he had a mop and cleaned up your hallway vomit after a night of underaged drinking, so everyone was just kind of okay with the freaky creep... or was my highschool just weird?) ANYWAY, Roger Wilco is a hopeful, kind-spirited dope with the desire to be a brave, quick-to-the-draw space cowboy, who, over a series of six games, ends up being Sci-Fi's answer to John McClane. In that he is always in the wrong place at the wrong time, and, despite being outnumbered, out gunned and unprepared, he is the last best hope for everyone. Unlike McClane, he has no background in armed or unarmed combat, he trips over his own feet, and spends much of his time hiding or fleeing in terror. All animated in the majesty and glory that late-80s and early-90s video game programming could offer. This game was the fucking best. You had to outwit zombies, catch the energizer bunny, fight sandworms, outsmart interstellar car salesman, and seduce some Latex Babes from Esteros. NOW, you can by all six episodes on Steam, as long as you have a PC. Me and my Mac Pro weep.

RATING: (Fills Me With) 96% Pleasant Nostalgia

They are particularly creepy zombies. It looks like a scene from
'Dawn Of The Dead meets A Clockwork Orange.'

(Web Series) Zach Reviews Random Things- Episode 1

JAGER BOMBS

Jager (Or, Jägermeister, as it is pronounced in it’s native tongue) has the unique ability to taste like licorice and death at the same time. It would be a magical nectar of the gods, if there were Gods of Vomiting, Slurring, Embarrassing Phone Calls, and Date Rape. For me, when I take a Jager Bomb, I know that whatever plans I had for that night are fucked, unless I was planning on stumbling around like a ether-soaked moron and telling every attractive girl in a five foot radius that I love her, then throwing up on a cop car in the parking lot of the dive bar I go to because they serve double shots for four dollars, and who the hell would let me go to a place like that? I mean for fucks sake!-… Um… anyway, Jager and I are like Steve Rogers and Johann Schmidt… enemies, is what I’m getting at. And yet, its slippery, throat-coating embrace is a siren’s call every time I’m at a bar. If you have a shot of Jager and a half-can of Red Bull, you have a Jager bomb. Easy, clean, beautiful in it’s simplicity. If you have two shots of Jager in a half-can of Red Bull, you have a Jager-Nuke. Then If you double-fist two Jager Nukes, you have a Jager-Pocalypse. Then when you have three of those in the first half-hour, you end up sleeping in a shrub till 1 in the afternoon the next day, being woken up by a scared child walking with her mother and asking “why is that man covered in dirt and tears?” and the mother saying “because he didn’t have parents who loved him like I love you. You don’t want to end up that way.” Then the Jager, which has congealed into a small boulder in your gut, punches your brain in it’s dick and now it’s time to go to work 4 hours late smelling like a garbage can because I’m the kind of guy who drinks like it’s a bachelor party on a week-day… Wow, that one got kinda deep…

RATING: (Fills Me With) 94% Remorse

         (+ 82% Vengeful Sobbing)

FAQ: How Does Your Rating System Work?

Heres the deal. When I first thought of this site, I was originally going to do it Out Of 10. For example, something cool would get a 9 or 10 out of ten. Something fucktarded would get a 0 or 1 out of 10. I'm not sure I needed to explain to you how an Out Of 10 rating system works, but I figured I might as well.

ANYWAY, I was then toying with the idea of doing it like Rotten Tomatoes, with a 0% to 100% rating system. Things above 60% would be labeled 'Totally Awesome' and anything under 60% would be 'Absolutely Retarded.' But that felt like too much of a rip-off.

So, I figured since these reviews were totally random and based on whatever personal emotion or whim I was feeling at the time of their creation, there is no need to attach it to a standard or scientific constant. So the rating system will change all the time.

FOR THE MOST PART, the ratings will be based on how much of any emotion the thing I'm reviewing fills me with. For example, The Future's rating (*SPOILER ALERT*) is going to be "Fills Me With 91% Cautious Optimism + 22% Mild Anticipation for a Mad Max-ian wasteland apocalypse."

Don't Expect Consistency with my Rating System.

Thank you,

-Zach Seemayer

FLINTLOCK PISTOLS

These idiotic and barbaric weapons were upgrades from other dumber weapons and were an attempt to scale down a cannon into a handheld size, which while it sounds awesome, but was in reality totally retarded. First of all, what is one standard characteristic of cannons? Stability. With these dumb flintlocks, the black powder in the firing tray would fall out if you tilted it. Or it would explode in your pocket. Or it would blow up your gun while it was in your hand. Or it would fire properly, but not when you wanted it to. And because the barrel was smooth bored and often not rifled, it had a range of about arms length and would still miss half the time. You might as all well use the heavy motherfucker like a club, but if you need to club someone to death with your gun, lose the shitty gun and get a sword. And while it has a built in cool factor because of its use by pirates, the black powder would become useless in damp conditions (such as on boats) and therefore you'd get a boat full of drunken angry pirates impotently swinging wooden clubs that should be firing musket balls.

RATING: (Fills Me With) 91% Annoyed Disappointment

MOOD-BASED COLOR-CHANGING NAIL POLISH

Ahh, remember 5th grade when you liked a girl, but you didn't know if she liked you back? So, you had to get close to her, begin talking to her, chatting her up as you might say nowadays, talking about all the Pokemon you're totally gonna catch (it was, inevitably, 'them all') and then you had to manage to sneak a look at the mood ring on her ring finger (which all 5th grade girls wore) to see if it was the 'color of love' but it was always some shade of grayish-blue? And then you went to look at that color chart on the mood-ring display in the 7-11 that listed what all the colors mean, and then they didn't have one for dark-blue and you suddenly realized that mood rings were total bullshit, and that you could tell a lot more about how she felt about you by the way she tried to find reasons to leave the conversation constantly, then began talking about how your obsession with looking at her ring finger was 'creepy' then she ran away from you after kicking you in the fucking stomach like the bitch Lisa Singer always was and probably still is!!!... wait, what are we talking about? Mood-Based Color Changing Nail Polish? Well, yeah. Now you can have all those formative 5th grade experiences without having to look at her ring finger. Now you have to constantly check out her nails like a 40-year-old fashion hag who is awkwardly obsessed with colored nail-polish.That sure won't cause anyone to make fun of you in grade school. Wow, Okay, this one hit really close to home, so it's pretty geared toward my male readers. However, for you girls who might consider wearing this shit, the mood-based color-changing nail-polish already comes in a variety of colors... If it was really based on your mood, wouldn't it only come in one color and change, ya know, based on your mood? Just like the rings, these mood-testers are bullshit.

RATING: (Fills Me With:) 61% Annoyed Ambivalence
     (+ 30% Traumatic Childhood Memories... Fuck you Lisa... Fuck you so hard.)

CHAINSAWS

With all of the majesty of a violent explosion, the pure force of a million stampeding rhinos and the raw sexual potency of Tom Selleck – in his Magnum PI prime – Chainsaws embody what America has been for years: Sleek, cool exterior, throbbing, aggressive power, and millions of blades tearing the shit out of anything that they come near. Just looking at this header image, I might be getting a little aroused. But it’s more of a fear-boner than anything else. Chainsaws are hundreds of gnawing, chomping, hungry teeth welded to a steel chain, spun by a 4 horse-power engine. Have you ever seen a horse? Have you ever ridden a fucking horse? The power that generates through it’s massive muscles? 4 of those beasts live inside the metal casing of every saw, producing a maelstrom of energy that spins those teeth into a tornado of ripping and tearing that will turn anything in front of them into tiny particles. Oh Jesus…. I’m out of breathe… wow.

RATING: (Fills Me With) 89% Super-Fun Awesome Power (i.e. Happiness... and arousal...)